eschatological | [psl] post-mortem; closed to @destinymaker

... I still listen to her songs myself.

[ It makes for excellent background music to his deliberations on Rau, half hallucination and half endless flashback. Maybe the man himself doesn't need to know that. And how many exact times some secretary has walked in to find Mizu no Akashi playing on endless loop... well, that's nobody's business. ]

But that allure is exactly why the style change had to happen. If our new tracks had been mere imitations, then the loss in quality would have been much more readily apparent.

[ An image change is the perfect excuse for some inconsistencies that slip in here and there. ]

Besides, something more energetic is better as a call to action.

[ RIP to all that Lacus stood for. ]

Edited 2023-10-13 20:22 (UTC)

"A call to action." It worked very well, for a time.

[ Complete honesty there, too. PLANT and its chairman had unprecedented global support after Destroy's attack on Berlin, without any of the domestic squabbling that Rau saw (and enabled) in the Clyne-Zala era. ]

If you had stopped with destroying LOGOS, you might be alive, admired by the world.

[ Rau looks at him quite squarely, his smile thin but wide, and about as fond at he gets. ]

But you would not be yourself, if you could have stopped there.

[ That is a good expression. It makes Gil want to reach out and take that mask off Rau's face so he can meet his eyes properly. ]

No, I'd never have stopped.

[ His smile is warm.

Destroying LOGOS was doing the world a favor, but it was not enough to right the path mankind had been on. A world that allowed for such a mistaken existence as LOGOS in the first place could not have been allowed to continue existing unchecked. ]

We're both stubborn this way.

[ Too bad being dead doesn't stop Rau from hating his face. ]

Oh, forcing humanity to abandon its desires is much more stubborn than helping humanity do exactly what it wants.

[ It's a nice face and Al La Flaga has lost all rights to it in a tragic imaginary court case. It's fine. (Is this inconsistent with Gil's own philosophy of genes? Maybe a little!) ]

'Abandon' is such a harsh word. It's not as though I would doom mankind to exist eternally unfulfilled. I was merely leading it towards the simplest path to happiness.

[ That depends on one's definition of happiness. Rau tugs off one glove, holds the bare hand out in front of him and examines it in the faintly curious way that normal people might check their nails. Without the usual pain, it is a good hand for pulling a trigger, or maybe a good hand for playing piano. ]

And the soul that performs its functions well is blessed and happy?

[ Everything old is new again, and still, certain people would vehemently disagree. ]

... it has to be.

[ If making mistakes and choosing the wrong path hurts this much, then the right path must be the one that leads to bliss, right...? If not, then what is the point? Why is life worth living? Why should life exist if it only leads to suffering?

The face Durandal is making is more vulnerable than one he might have shown if asked this question in life. With Rey's rejection (Rey's beautiful, beautiful rejection) fresh in mind, his certainty is waning. ]

Edited 2023-10-15 19:34 (UTC)

[ Hmm usually smashing worldviews is more fun than this, this is kind of a bummer. Still, Rau has no problem emotionally kicking Gil while he’s down if it nails home that “if clone number two refuses to be the same person or do the same things as clone number one, then genetic determinism has some serious kinks to work out.” ]

Yet Rey and I are proof that it is not. At least, if individuals have such a “function,” then you did not find it in the matter they are made of.

[ His bare fingers press into the familiar motion of cocking a non-existent handgun, then into the unfamiliar motions of a few piano chords. Then he flexes his hand flat, simply examining it again. ]

But what a dreamer that boy turned out to be. You’re a terrible influence.

[ He says this very conversationally, without turning his head… but, he takes advantage of the mask to watch Gil’s reaction to the last bit in particular out of the corner of his eye. ]

[ The chess pieces on the ground catch the light from the fluorescents in interesting angles, and that is where Durandal's gaze is drawn now. The board has been wiped clean, literally and figuratively. He's asking Rau to start over in death, so logically it should follow that he needs to offer the same readiness.

(He's not entirely certain he can. There's a significant part of him that, once questioned, wants to collect his pawns from the floor and return to the game. He hasn't won yet. He hates leaving without winning.)

But when Rey unleashes his last comment, as casual as it is pointed, Durandal's lips quirk into a lopsided smile. ]

I won't apologize for that. I'm quite proud of him.

[ Acknowledging defeat is hard, except for where it is so very easy. Rey could have done anything to him and Gil would have never thought to be angry.

He turns his head back to Rau and exhales softly.

There are counter-arguments he could make to Rau's position. The world as is remains a world that allows for mistaken paths. Just because Rau and Rey may have an identical ideal function does not mean that the circumstances of their lives didn't push them away from it, but...

Maybe the fact that he loves both of them so dearly, with all their differences (because of all their differences), is the greater damnation of his ideals in the end. ]

He grew to believe in a future neither of us can see. Perhaps foolish, but I won't reprimand him for it.

It is a child's perspective. In particular, the perspective of a child whose world once changed for the better, and who believes it can happen again.

[ No shift to his conversational tone or posture, but hm, Rey's capability to choose to be himself and better raises questions about whether Rau could have been more than an avatar of humanity's worst impulses at least as much as it challenges the viability of genetics as the basis for a social structure. But they are dead, so these are not questions that need to be answered. He slips the glove back on. ]

Whether foolish or not, you're correct that I cannot see it.

[ It's exactly what Durandal is thinking - that if Rey can learn hope, even that naive kind of hope, then it's within Rau to do the same. Years and years of anger and disdain may have left his brain ill-equipped for it, but it's not impossible to restructure.

They no longer need to believe in any future at all, here, but... ]

It was you, who changed his world before.

[ The two of them together, in the end. However, Rau was the one to give Rey comfort in the cell that passed for his room on Mendel, and it was because of Rau that Rey was taken along with Durandal when they abandoned Mendel for good.

Rau, Rau, and Rau again, giving his other self a better life. ]

You played your own part in making him a dreamer.

And I didn't even let him burn the place down behind us.

[ Another dry deflection, but gosh, what an indictment of humanity that pulling a sobbing kid out of a deteriorating cell is inspirational. At least Rau and Gil agree that people can be absolute dickbags when given free rein.

Rau shifts to look at Gil squarely, draping one arm over the back of the couch and resting his head in one hand. ]

But there it is. Our identical rejection to your plan to save humanity from itself: that people will always, uncontrollably "want." Our opposing rejections: that this "want" will be either damnation or salvation. And in our disagreement, the refutation of your means.

Check.

[ But not checkmate, as damning destiny generally has all those personal implications. ]

[ Maybe they should have blown Mendel to pieces. Maybe both of their schemes would have gone better for it. Maybe it would have been satisfying, at least. ]

You oversimplify. While I believe in the weight that 'nature' holds, I do not discredit 'nurture' as a factor. If we all invariably acted as according to our destinies, then the world would need no fixing. Circumstance forces us from our fates, leading us astray.

[ And maybe Gil himself is most afflicted with that accursed 'want' that Rau keeps talking about. ]

Rey met you and I. You had nothing of the sort.

[ Just the late Al La Flaga and his burning mansion. Gil looks down for just a moment. This is the part he always gets stuck on, much more than Rey and Rau, who may be quite different but who both hold his whole heart captive. "Love" is the connecting thread that reconciles all.

But Al La Flaga? The name inspires nothing but contempt. ]

And your so-called "original", that rotten excuse for a human being, strayed furthest of all.

[ Gil looks into the masks' eyes and wishes again that he could see Rau's eyes. Steal them from Al with every moment he looks at them in fondness. ]

[ Rau laughs. It starts mild and restrained, but that's just too ridiculous and hits too close to home, and it snaps into a genuine, tempestuous laugh. ]

That man was a paradigm of humanity. Ignorant, insatiably selfish, chasing the mirage of immortality.

[ And to be the vanity project copy of such a man, deteriorating excruciatingly before twenty, all to fund a happier dream -- well. Damn Al Da Flaga, and damn himself along with him. ]

What destiny would I have in a better world where we met earlier? What righteous fate was stolen from me by unhappy circumstance? [ Rau leans forward, reaches out with his free hand, and slips a crooked finger lightly under Gil's chin. ] To be one of your toy soldiers, blissfully following orders? [ He pulls the hand back with a small, derisive wave, dismissing the idea. ] Even Talia barely tolerated that.

[ Invoking her is a cheap but deliberate shot. ]

[ In an ideal reality, Rau wouldn't exist. Something like him would have never been created, and he'd never have had to suffer the way he did. The thought runs through this whole disagreement, an undeniable undercurrent they must both be aware of, but Gil can't bring himself to say it out loud.

If he did, he'd open himself up to a question far too harsh.

"Choosing between the reality where you don't fall for the wrong people and are happy and this one, where you could meet Rau, which would you pick?"

It's not that he doesn't know the answer. It's that speaking the answer out loud would unravel him on the spot.

Gil grabs Rau's hand before he can fully pull it back. ]

You enjoy invoking her when it's convenient. Why? Do you truly believe that you alone can't hurt me enough?

[ It's hard not to feel like you're using his ex as a shield here!! ]

[ Rau doesn't pull his hand away -- he's perfectly confident that he could if he wanted to, which removes any sense of urgency. And it's less troublesome to be caught by fingers than disquieting thoughts, in any case. ]

This would be a very different conversation, if the purpose was to hurt you. If truth is painful, if the limits of possibility are painful, the pain is hardly my doing.

[ And it’s true that the overarching purpose isn’t to be hurtful. Rau likes talking about people, he likes talking with Gil; long chats about the nature and foibles and fate of humanity are catnip. But for all that he delights in deconstructing other people’s views on human nature, he’s less equable about having his own nature prodded in ways that chip away at his sense of self (or lack thereof). And that’s where his claws have been flicking out, going briefly on offense for the purpose of playing defense. ]

[ Gil considers this for a moment, and in the end he smiles. A little exhausted, but fond as always. Who knew that these conversations could get more taxing in the afterlife, when they've been robbed of meaningfully enforcing any conclusions? ]

Maybe not, but surely you won't argue that it doesn't please you to remind me that pain exists? And you'll certainly play dirty to do so.

[ He has Rau's hand now and he's keeping it - though he's at least lowering their linked arms to a more comfortable and natural position. ]

[ Clingy, clingy. Rau very distinctly does not move that hand, though he does tilt his head inquisitively. ]

"Playing dirty" presupposes that there are rules. Perhaps even an objective.

[ And "please" is such a strong word. ]

[ So clingy. But hey, he just died. Let him be gross for a minute, he's earned it. ]

Hmm, a fair objection. Our proper game has been quite rudely abandoned, after all.

[ His poor chess set on the floor... Like, he knows it's just a metaphysical version, but still. ]

That game was played to its conclusion. Whether you were playing against me, or the world, or human nature, or all at once, you lost. However much you dislike it.

[ But the words is matter-of-fact, even comfortably content; the claws are retracted. ]

All at once, of course. I was outnumbered.

[ No, he's just a really sore loser. And you can't be outnumbered at chess. ]

Maybe we'll need a new game to pass the time in our eternity.

[ Can one get bored in the afterlife? Is their sense of time going to disappear as soon as they let go of it? Questions, questions. Gil doesn't truly want them answered just yet. ]

[ There's definitely a level of inverted je pense, donc je suis to existence after death, that if the dialectic ceases then the self might as well. But also shooting the shit about people is just funsies. ]

Again, that requires an objective. Perhaps rules, perhaps an opponent.

[ In any case, Rau isn't objecting, or even redirecting by teasing about the idea of three-on-one chess. ]

Well, the latter is clear enough. There'd be precious little challenge if we were playing on the same side.

[ Though what a thought that is - the two of them actually united in something, rather than pushing and pulling at each other. Sitting with their hands linked almost makes it easy to imagine. ]

We might just need to narrow our playing field, unless we want to be relegated to merely placing bets as we watch the gears of history keep turning.

You are making assumptions already – that there are objectives of significance for which we would be on the “same side.”

[ Rau lifts their hands, then finally pulls his own away very deliberately. Just an inch, well within reach. He even holds his palm up, the hand outstretched. ]

If you would like a well-bounded challenge, [ he smiles slightly to emphasize the word, ] you might as well begin by thinking of ways we have not worked at cross-purposes.

[ The obvious answer is not a trap, it is a jumping-off point. ]

[ Though Rau broke their peaceful little handhold, Gil seems pleased enough with this turn of conversation ]

Rey. However we influenced him in differing directions, it's a fact that we brought him up with as much care as the two of us can give.

[ That's the easy one, the obvious one. So simple, it may as well be cheating. Acknowledging that, Gil only brings one of his fingertips down to rest on Rau's gloved counterpart. It feels cheeky and needlessly coy, and it amuses him greatly.]

Then... well, all the hours we put into adjusting your medication to your exact needs were not for nothing, hm?

[ Though this also feels like an easy one, he doesn't connect a second finger just yet - he's waiting for approval.

Out of all the keepsakes Gil could have hung onto, Rau's medication had been the most sentimental by far. The physical proof that Rau wanted to keep going as far as he could push his body and the world... nothing else could have inspired Gil as much as that. ]

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