eschatological | [psl] post-mortem; closed to @destinymaker

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[psl] post-mortem; closed to @destinymaker

[ This office has always been quiet, but now the silence is unnaturally absolute. The usual ambient sounds have all vanished — the muted rumble of feet and serious voices beyond the door, the hum and crackle of electronics, the omnipresent pulse of Aprilius’s environmental support systems. But, then again, there’s no reason for the environmental support systems when the familiar noises of breath and heartbeat have ceased as well.

Two armies of chess pieces lie toppled and abandoned on the floor, leaving the low table bare save for the empty board. Rau sits languidly on one of the two wide sofas with his chin in a gloved hand. Even though he’s corporeal now (or as corporeal as anything in this scene, which is to say, gentlemen of the jury, ambiguously), the dim light and the white of his mask and uniform combine to give him an uncanny, still-ghostly appearance. He shows no interest in the scattered chess pieces. Instead, he is waiting very patiently, intently, for.... ]

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[ It could be criticizing himself, when Rey is living proof that things can be better than the matter they're made of, has seeded the thought that tomorrow need not be the same as today and yesterday. But saying that out loud would be terribly maudlin. ]

You're using tiredness and satisfaction as an excuse to say exactly what you mean.

[ Again, Rau will acknowledge and accept the sentiment without responding in kind. Not responding in kind verbally, at least. He's still settled between Gil's legs, showing no sign of intending to get up any time soon, and that will have to be enough. Even if Gil doesn't know it, it's been a long time since Rau simply stayed after sex, rather than slipping away to rifle through intelligence files or to avoid questions about his shaking hands or both. ]

[ Gil doesn't know anything about Rau's previous private life, it's true. Rau has always been an entity that existed in his life in fleeting bursts. In his office for a medical examination, in his living room to hear Rey play the piano for a while, on his couch to debate moral philosophy and listen to music... and then gone again, to train how to kill, to manipulate and lie, to fight a war of which Gil has never seen the frontlines as he remained on the PLANTs to treat the wounded upon their return. Whatever relations Rau may have had, whatever atrocities precisely he is responsible for... There's a lot that remains shrouded in mystery.

But Gil doesn't need to know about it in order to feel comfortable in this moment - to understand the trust that was necessary to make it happen. ]

Mhm... guilty as charged. Since I'd hope you're also tried and satisfied, I will ask you to forgive it.

Simply because I'm tired and satisfied, or because being tired and satisfied is your handiwork?

[ The faint smile extends to light crinkling at the corners of his eyes; he's not thinking enough to control expressions that would be hidden by a mask. He's not denying being satisfied, though -- if nothing else, it wouldn't be very believable after demanding to come on Gil's fingers. Rau really is more out of practice with physical affection than he realized. ]

[ That expression makes Gil want to kiss him again, and the only reason he doesn't is because figuring out how to untangle his legs to sit up properly is too much work. And maybe he shouldn't keep overwhelming Rau with attention either - that they made it this far feels like a small miracle already. How kind death has been...

Gil smiles, shifting a little to stretch his upper body and get even more comfortable. It's a shame he decorated for sterile professional vibes so there are no pillows available. ]

I thought the latter went without saying.

[ Rau is perfectly aware that this is a very silly conversation. Gil will continue to say ridiculous things, and Rau will continue to think they are ridiculous, and all that pushing back has accomplished is Rau implicitly conceding that he feels nicely fucked out for the moment. But banter is calming, familiar. And banter pushes back the need to consider and what next. ]

Mm. Forgiveness for services rendered.

[ He settles deeper into the sofa back, watching Gil not with outright fondness, but without real wariness or hostility or calculation.

Also not using icons has gotten boring. ]

Exactly. A fair exchange.

[ Though it's not like feelings of love require apology. Whether or not these emotions have been born from a mistaken timeline or not, their existence in the here and now isn't a source of shame to Gil. ]

It's been a while since I've been this comfortable. Not how I pictured 'resting in peace' though.

[ Comfortable. Rest. Peace. The concepts are almost alien. It's been a long time since Rau was this comfortable, as well, and not just because death finally halted the process of his body aggressively dying on him. A long time since he rested, rather than stoking fires. Much of that was his own choice, and he does not regret it. But he is at least as out of practice with comfort and rest and peace as he is with physical affection. His natural inquisitiveness and drive won't let him stay just like this forever, if only in part because at some point he will want a shower.

But for a little longer...

He sits up slowly, then settles so that he's lying stretched out on top of Gil -- his forearms folded over Gil's chest, his legs stretched out between Gil's. Rau settles his head on his arms, watching Gil with a small frown. He's not completely relaxed -- there's still some tension in his long limbs, he could push up and away at any moment if he wanted -- but he is mostly comfortable, mostly at rest, for now. ]

I was very tired, by the end.

[ He'd only admitted it to Fllay Allster, and only then as part of telling her what she wanted to hear so she'd deliver Freedom and Justice's data to the Federation. It's weightier here, saying the words for their own sake. ]

[ This position is exactly what Gil had wanted but didn't feel like asking for and being rejected. Rau is truly more accommodating than he even knows... or more amenable to connection, too.

Gil raises his cleaner hand to idly play with a strand of Rau's hair, seeking even more connection in a benign way.

Tired, huh... ]

You were moving forward with defiant force all your life. Of course you'd get tired.

[ A kind of tired that just coming home wouldn't have fixed, as much as Gil and Rey might have wished for it. ]

That's just human.

All my life, and now you’re exhausting in death.

[ Though a more pleasant form of exhaustion, so there’s no actual annoyance behind the words. ]

We’ll have to move eventually. Forward or otherwise.

[ Gil groans quietly. Please don't remind him of movement, it's very rude. Rau's weight on his chest is literally perfect and he doesn't want to miss it. ]

This room can't be all there is... Judging by the way our bodies function as normal, I suspect that our experience is based around our expectations. And I certainly expect availability of a ghostly shower.

[ The afterlife is ridiculous for being so much like... just life. But at the same time, Gil is not ready for it to be anything else. A death that doesn't feel like death at all is easier to get used to. Doesn't sink in as deeply. ]

More your expectations than mine, I think.

[ Because Rau would not have bet on an office lube stash, no matter how strenuously PLANT was trying to deal with its fertility issues. He tilts his head and continues, almost perfectly deadpan: ]

But that's for the best. Remember, in my life, this was the late Chairman Zala's office.

[ Well if suggesting that Patrick Zala could walk in on their bare asses doesn't get Gil to punt him to the floor, nothing will. ]

[ Gil does not do things as graceless as punting other people to the floor. He does, however, pull a pretty spectacular face of distaste.

Patrick Zala does not deserve the glory of Rau's bare ass! ]

Well, you better not expect to see him ever again. Spare our poor afterlives the headache.

[ But then he goes more serious again. With the afterglow wearing down his curiosity is rising. ]

But considering you are well informed about the events that transpired after your death, you have no reason to not associate this office with me now, do you?

Edited 2023-11-25 22:01 (UTC)

[ Mm, a good expression. ]

Yes, yes, it's yours. I didn't sit here haunting your staff while you were away.

[ That would have been boring anyway, except maybe that time Athrun was on Aprillius. ]

I knew some of what you were doing, so I suppose I'm well-informed because you were. But I told you, I don't know whether that was because of Rey or because you wanted it or because of something else altogether.

[ Gil hums thoughtfully. ]

We certainly don't have a window to the living world right at this moment... And all those who loved either of us have also passed.

[ Stated very matter of fact, even if it's kind of depressing to think. ]

I'll waste away in endless curiosity if we don't figure something out on that front. Maybe that's step two after the shower?

[ What an absolutely inane to-do list. ]

[ Loved ones being dead doesn't get much of a reaction from Rau -- of the two people who loved Rau by the end of his life, Gil is dead and Rey killed him. The mention of a shower at least gets Rau to stretch lazily, waking up his limbs, though he doesn't move to leave. ]

A shower will be an experiment in whether anything exists beyond this room, in any case.

[ He glances at the door Gil came in through, then back to Gil, curiously. ]

I presume that you didn't notice much between dying and this place.

[ No judgment, just seeking confirmation. ]

[ Rau's stretching childishly makes Gil want to wrap all his limbs around him and keep him here even longer, but he's perfectly aware of how juvenile that would be. Death or no death, he still has a bit of dignity as an adult man left.

With a final soft brush against Rau's cheek, he finally gets his hand out of his hair, too. ]

Nothing, no. I remember the door opening, so I suppose I must have been in the hall but... It felt like such a matter of course that I should enter here and meet you, I didn't even look around.

How long had you been waiting? Did you perceive such time at all?

[ Rau frowns. He hadn't thought about it, and the fact that he hadn't thought about it is now slightly irritating. ]

I don't know. Either there was no time, or there was not enough time to consider doing anything else.

Mhm...

[ Yeah, Rau hadn't seemed like a person who has lived a halfway orderly life in a facsimile of the living world for the past two years. ]

Maybe our perception of 'time' and 'space' is likewise tied to our togetherness - it's setting a stage for an interaction of souls that would otherwise be harder to navigate. I am just coming up with a mass of hypotheses of course.

Hypotheses. [ Rau laughs, the sound rumbling through his chest. ] You're too much of a scientist. We could simply walk to opposite sides of the room and see what happens.

[ But he's not making any effort to get up. He really is tired, and it's been a long time since he was this comfortable. ]

Coming up with hypotheses beforehand can streamline the testing process.

[ Conversely, it can introduce bias that falsifies results. Gil immediately amends it in his head, but he's not going to sabotage his own argument about... cuddling just to be as accurate as possible. ]

You can't tell me you don't enjoy thoughtplay, either.

[ "Thoughtplay" makes it sound kinda dirty. Which maybe it is, for the two them? In any case, Rau shrugs, which is an admittedly odd gesture when lying on top of someone. This whole conversation is odd for lying on top of someone, this whole conversation is odd, this whole manner of existence is odd, the two of them are odd. Oh well. ]

I wouldn't be here if I did not.

[ It's less indifferent than it might sound on the surface, given that I'm here most recently led to dropping his mask and fingerbanging. ]

But it reaches a point where thinking only leads you around in circles.

[ He props himself up on one elbow, uses his free hand to trace a lazy spiral on Gil's clavicle. ]

It's a very enjoyable circle, to be fair.

[ Rau's finger on his skin, that is. But also the empty banter they're having, the endless speculation about a situation they have far too little data on. All of it keeps them right here, pressed up as close as human beings can be.

It's low risk high reward to stay right where they are, enjoying something they never had in life.

... and that's the true core of all this. Not laziness, not enjoyment.

Fear.

Realizing it makes Gil pause and frown. He does not verbally elaborate on that. ]

[ Rau hums, deliberately letting the sound vibrate between them, and brushes his free hand against Gil’s cheek. ]

You think I’ll disappear if you take your eyes off me.

[ How pathetic must his expression have been, for Rau to give him that kind of comforting touch? Troubling thoughts to consider.

Unfortunately, it is pointless to lie here. He will have to continue being pathetic for just a moment. ]

Not by your choice. I trust you.

[ Rau said he's here. Said he'd witness what Gil would show him. Rau isn't tired of him yet.

But the world... has the world ever been kind to his relationships? ]

Still, the worry remains.

[ On some level, Rau is absolutely amused by the bleak thought, even if it puts his existence in theoretical peril. He’s an asshole, that way.

He places his hand over Gil’s eyes. (He is fairly certain that Gil has blinked since arriving; it is not a terrible existential threat.) ]

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