[psl] post-mortem; closed to @destinymaker

[eschatological]

[ This office has always been quiet, but now the silence is unnaturally absolute. The usual ambient sounds have all vanished — the muted rumble of feet and serious voices beyond the door, the hum and crackle of electronics, the omnipresent pulse of Aprilius’s environmental support systems. But, then again, there’s no reason for the environmental support systems when the familiar noises of breath and heartbeat have ceased as well.

Two armies of chess pieces lie toppled and abandoned on the floor, leaving the low table bare save for the empty board. Rau sits languidly on one of the two wide sofas with his chin in a gloved hand. Even though he’s corporeal now (or as corporeal as anything in this scene, which is to say, gentlemen of the jury, ambiguously), the dim light and the white of his mask and uniform combine to give him an uncanny, still-ghostly appearance. He shows no interest in the scattered chess pieces. Instead, he is waiting very patiently, intently, for.... ]

Comments

[destinymaker]

[ The headpat makes Gil laugh softly. It's so completely incongruous with the sentiments being lavished onto Rau that it's comical, but at the same time it's a gesture of goodwill that needs appreciation. Rau is trying, in his own way, and Gil's dead heart is responding to it with endless fondness. ]

Coming from you, that almost sounds like a compliment.

[ Gil has never wanted to be destructive. As a geneticist he's dedicated his whole life to the act of of preservation, of creation even. First for the PLANTs and then, in his own twisted way and owed again to Rau (who is by all genetic metrics a Natural), for all of mankind.

Even when giving the order to kill, to annihilate fleets and countries, Gil would not like to think of himself as a destroyer. Those actions should have merely paved the way towards a future he'd envisioned to be that much more prosperous.

But if Rau, who speaks of violence with such disdain that it wraps back around to fondness (or is that the other way around?), wants to acknowledge his love as destructive? Then that feels like a stamp of approval to keep loving. Gil thinks it's a more noble kind of destruction than any other, at least. ]

[eschatological]

Or I am calling you very foolish. Or both at once.

[ One more headpat, and then Rau draws back slightly and slips his hand under Gil's chin again. (If Gil rests his head against Rau's forehead too long he'll get weird skin dents from the mask geez.) ]

It was self-destructive, if nothing else. Even if your life was more fulfilling, it was also markedly shorter.

[destinymaker]

[ Gil allows his chin to be held this way, curious more than anything where Rau is going with this if anywhere. It's certainly gentler than just pushing him away, which Rau would have been within his rights to do. Gil knows he's being very clingy today. He died, he deserves the indulgence. Probably. ]

Hm, was it now? I recall someone telling me that a path not taken is a path that simply does not exist. That it was pointless to wonder 'what if I had done this or that instead'.

[ This time it's Gil who is deflecting a little. It's hard to deny that he has imagined it often, that ideal life he could have lived where he met none of the people who would cause him such immense pain. ]

[eschatological]

[ Rau shrugs, smiles. Well-played. ]

That drowning in "what-ifs" is a waste of limited time, yes. Though now there is either no time or infinite time.

[ His lips thin thoughtfully as he considers Gil. ]

In any case, it is not a "what if" to consider whether I killed you after all.

[ He's not overly sympathetic or particularly regretful, but also not trying to be cruel or catty. Just curious and thoughtful. ]

[destinymaker]

[ You did, Gil thinks instantly. Another you.

But he thinks better of saying as much. They've had the genetic determinism debate just a little while ago and it'll do nothing but lead them in circles. And regardless of how much he believes that Rey and Rau are the same in essence... ultimately, they are not interchangeable. The way they view the world is as different as the way Gil feels about each of them. ]

And if you did? If we assume for argument's sake that it was my love for you that drove me to extremes and ended my life... then what?

[ 'For argument's sake' is the operative term here. He doesn't agree with the framing to start with. ]

You would have killed me earlier, if you had it your way.

[eschatological]

I would have killed most of mankind, if I'd had my way.

[ There's an oblique correction in that -- "killed me" makes it sound so personal; Gil and Rey were acceptable collateral damage to reach an objective, but not the objectives themselves. (Still showing zero remorse for that attempted omnicide, obvs.) ]

But I did not. And....

[ A small sigh. ]

You realize that it sounds rather tawdry to say that you died for love.

[destinymaker]

It is. Good thing then that I'm not the one making the claim. You can be quite the romantic. Who knew?

[ Gil grins, looking entirely too self-satisfied. ]

I died because I made a mistake in setting up my board. I died for ideals I believed in, because I made the decision to put everything on the line for my vision.

[ Even if Rey hadn't fired, someone in that room would have put a bullet through his chest. It just happened to be the most favorable option who pulled the trigger. ]

I love you, because I am myself. And I died, because I am myself. That's all there is to it.

[eschatological]

[ Romantic, snap, Gil is on a roll. Emotional baiting really has backfired on Rau. Probably should have learned from that time that bullying Kira blew up on him, figuratively and literally. Rau shrugs minutely again, touche. ]

I already told you that you're a terrible influence.

[ Although that was a matter of influencing Rey, not himself.

That's all there is to it. All things are born and all things die, that's all there is to it. Their current situation seems rather outside the axiom, though. How messy. ]

[destinymaker]

Unfortunately, I don't plan on changing this about myself.

[ But he'll give Rau some space to breathe instead of going in even harder on teasing and affection. Though it's fun to push Rau's comfort zone, it's not Gil's intention to make him genuinely uncomfortable.

That he's been granted this much is more happiness than he'd thought he'd ever hold after Rau's death. Though he wants more (so much more), he knows that haste can ruin a good thing. ]

Even if I can hang on to my conscious existence for eternity, I'll still be me.

[eschatological]

[ Rau is grudgingly coming to accept that that's probably true. Rau has tried heckling Gil in life, in Rau's own death, and in their mutual death, to say nothing of Rey rejecting things spectacularly, and Gil is still incorrigible. How annoyingly, spectacularly persistent. ]

Neither of us is interesting enough to engage the conscious for eternity.

[ Although their combined capacity to prolong existence purely by filibuster is top-notch. ]

[destinymaker]

[ Gil huffs in amusement. Yeah, that's fair. He hasn't even lived to see his 40s, he'd be more presumptuous than usual to assume he could keep himself entertained for such an unfathomable span of time - let alone entertain someone else through it as well. ]

You're right. It'd be worrisome if we were. But I do want to hang on a while longer. Don't you? You're still here now, at least.

[ Gil wonders if two years in the afterlife even feel like two years at all. So far time appears straightforward to him, but he also hasn't really tried to see if he can get weird with it. ]

[eschatological]

I'm here, [ he agrees, simply. Although a moment later he finally drops his hand from Gil's face, and, still completely straight-faced, adds: ]

Though if you become dull too soon, I may bedevil Kira Yamato instead.

[ Rau is completely unconcerned about whether his ability to live rent-free in Gil's head for two years extends to Kira, because he is just needling. ]

[destinymaker]

[ Now freed from the hold, Gil leans back against the couch again. ]

Ooh. What an unpleasant threat.

[ Leaving him for a younger man. Scandalous. ]

Though if it were me, I'd haunt the songstress instead. If all that is left is conversation, she might make for the more lively opponent.

[eschatological]

There are a finite number of ways to say "give peace a chance."

[ Rau settles in leisurely, draping one arm over the back of the couch, which rather undermines any jokes about wandering off to haunt anyone else. ]

Did you ever meet her? I can't recall.

[destinymaker]

Not meaningfully.

[ He could almost fool his own memory, though. Having had Meer, with her identical face, close-by for so long makes it seem absurd that the real Lacus Clyne had always eluded him. ]

I saw her with her father when she was still quite young. It was a promotional event, having the leading figures of the government tour our research facilities. At the time, I was still primarily a scientist so our social circles did not overlap otherwise.

[ The young Gilbert Durandal had not thought much about her. It was a little before the release of her songs that would remain stuck in his head for ages. ]

By the time I turned to politics, she'd already disappeared. Meanwhile, you had the honor of escorting her back home after her brief disappearance in the war, I recall?

[eschatological]

There was an awful lot of fuss over that, wasn't there?

[ Mild amusement. Oh, those wacky days of Zala family theatrics. ]

You once asked where she encountered Kira. They almost certainly met there, in the wreckage of Junius Seven. How portentous.

[destinymaker]

[ Lacus' disappearance had been the talk of the PLANTs at the time. As someone not directly involved in the war effort, Gil had been privy to much talk and speculation. It was around then that he truly started to reflect on the amount of power that goes along with a symbolic role like the young singer's. And that was before she made herself a quasi peace goddess through the final days of the war. ]

Of all places... A playwright could not have chosen a more poetic location to cross the paths of two who should not have mad under ordinary circumstances.

[eschatological]

Oh, it does get better. The Archangel rescued her, and used her as a hostage when the Vesalius had it cornered.

[ He leans back, looks up at the dark ceiling. ]

Patrick Zala's life would have been simpler if I had not drawn back. Yours as well, but not in any way that you would enjoy.

[ Either ZAFT without Lacus would have failed to stop the Peacemaker force, in which case death would make everything rather simple, or ZAFT would have used Genesis without meaningful opposition, in which case Patrick Zala would probably have maintained an iron grip on his position. Neither option would have given Gil a run at rewriting the world. ]

[destinymaker]

[ Gil runs through those same hypotheticals in his head, and they leave him frowning. Annihilation of the PLANTs is obviously not a preferable outcome, and working under Patrick Zala... Well. He can imagine a less frustrating life for a geneticist. Resolving the infertility crisis is certainly a priority that Gil has always held personal stakes in, but... the way Zala had been trying to brute force it with no real understanding of the scientific delicacy to the situation? That made for an unpleasant superior. ]

Patrick Zala doesn't deserve a simple life. I don't know how you endured working so closely with the man for so long.

[eschatological]

[ He was a conceited ass, but he did build good superweapons. Rau glances back down with a smile. ]

It helped that I was planning His Excellency's death.

[ Also, leaking Spitbreak's real target and Yuri Amalfi's N-Jammer Canceller data; it's the little things. The title is perfectly formal, but in context clearly contemptuous. ]

[destinymaker]

[ Gil laughs. If Patrick Zala is somewhere out there in this afterlife, he can come take his complaints about the callousness up with them personally. Hopefully he won't. ]

And thank god you were.

[ But thinking of Patrick Zala also makes Gil think about his son. Athrun had been so easy to move with just a little bit of compassion towards his family situation... Love is a destructive force, indeed. Even love that one seeks to bury. ]

Zala was a skilled war time propagandist, I'll give him that. I don't know that he'd have been able to maintain that momentum after a victory, however.

[eschatological]

"After victory"? His particular path to victory would have been short-lived. So long as a single person remained on Earth, they would rage against the heavens. There would never be peace for the PLANTs.

[ ... Rau is slightly wistful. So close. ]

[destinymaker]

[ Gil looks over at Rau and he can see that wistful longing for endless destruction. ... well, they're both incorrigible.









... it's time for Rau to get a headpat. He started this in the first place, it's his fault. There there. ]

[eschatological]

[ That gets an incredulous expression.

Kinda muted by the mask, but there is some serious skepticism in this frown. ]

[destinymaker]

[ They're dead and nothing matters. It is unfortunately entertaining.

Gil pulls his hand back as though nothing happened. ]

It's the disadvantage of living on artificial ground. The Earth will always contain room for population to hide away in, but space is not so forgiving. We fled this far, but it only put us into a new kind of peril.