[ It's a complicated feeling to see Rau getting aggravated, however subtle the signs.
Playing with people's minds is second nature to Gil, has been for a long time, but he always thinks of it as something done for a cause. White lies, leading somewhere better. Because Gilbert Durandal is, at his core, a good person - is he not? (A good person, just not good enough to let go of the devil in front of him.)
Gilbert Durandal likes winning, and for that he needs pawns to play, but Rau isn't a pawn.
There is no joy in stressing him out. At the same time, Gil is never going to change anything for Rau if he doesn't break through that barrier. Paradox over paradox over paradox.
'You kept me alive' is a very blunt descriptor of what they were to each other, and it makes Gil's assertion that Rau doesn't owe him feel disingenuous. Rau did owe him, for a long time. Did have good reason to humor him and his whims.
He knew that, at the start. When they first met, Rau just a teenager, Gil fresh out of college... He knew then that they were doctor and patient, that there was a dynamic here that is inherently unequal.
And then, somewhere along the road, he forgot. Rau was so much larger than life, more captivating than anyone. His chess partner, his equal, his match. The fact that Rau kept coming back for his medication, kept living on willingly, had been beautiful, inspiring. But in truth...
Gil lets go of Rau's waist and drops his arms limply at his own side. His expression is serious, but not sad. The last thing he wants is to seem like he is inviting pity. He does not drop eye contact. ]
I need neither compliments nor your love to want to give you pleasure - but if that holds no appeal, then let's stop. Even at my greediest, I have no interest in coercing you.
[ It is frustrating, though... How can Rau ask him to explain what he can do for him, if he won't allow himself to acknowledge to enjoy any of it at all? ]
no subject
Playing with people's minds is second nature to Gil, has been for a long time, but he always thinks of it as something done for a cause. White lies, leading somewhere better. Because Gilbert Durandal is, at his core, a good person - is he not? (A good person, just not good enough to let go of the devil in front of him.)
Gilbert Durandal likes winning, and for that he needs pawns to play, but Rau isn't a pawn.
There is no joy in stressing him out. At the same time, Gil is never going to change anything for Rau if he doesn't break through that barrier. Paradox over paradox over paradox.
'You kept me alive' is a very blunt descriptor of what they were to each other, and it makes Gil's assertion that Rau doesn't owe him feel disingenuous. Rau did owe him, for a long time. Did have good reason to humor him and his whims.
He knew that, at the start. When they first met, Rau just a teenager, Gil fresh out of college... He knew then that they were doctor and patient, that there was a dynamic here that is inherently unequal.
And then, somewhere along the road, he forgot. Rau was so much larger than life, more captivating than anyone. His chess partner, his equal, his match. The fact that Rau kept coming back for his medication, kept living on willingly, had been beautiful, inspiring. But in truth...
Gil lets go of Rau's waist and drops his arms limply at his own side. His expression is serious, but not sad. The last thing he wants is to seem like he is inviting pity. He does not drop eye contact. ]
I need neither compliments nor your love to want to give you pleasure - but if that holds no appeal, then let's stop. Even at my greediest, I have no interest in coercing you.
[ It is frustrating, though... How can Rau ask him to explain what he can do for him, if he won't allow himself to acknowledge to enjoy any of it at all? ]